Everybody loves Taylor Swift. So why not date like her?
OK, that doesn’t necessarily make any sense whatsoever. But, in case you did want to model your dating life after that of the über successful 22-year-old’s romantic existence, here’s a compressive guide:
1. Negotiate an Agreement: This can be done via text or tweet, or even in a boardroom surrounded by “your people” on a conference call with “his people.”
2. Alert the Press: Be as vague and/or “caught in the moment” as possible.
3. Get Seen in Public Together: Get some quality PDA’ing done here. This will help sell the story. But remember to NOT do anything you don’t feel comfortable becoming lyrics later on.
4A. Go On Awkward Antiquing Date: Antiquing is not just for old people and garage sale creepers. A country pop princess can enjoy the way of the flea market as well. And, as long as you’re going to the county fair, you might as well simultaneously make your significant other suffer and send the press on a goose chase.
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4B. PRETEND Like You Went on an Awkward Antiquing Date: If you can’t score that first date, don’t let rejection slow you down. Just daydream about how the date would have gone in your journal. The “experience” may come in handy when you’re out of real life inspiration for an upcoming EP.
5. Appear on Talk Shows and Reveal Nothing: But avoid “Ellen.” That blonde whippersnapper will always try and trick you into revealing something.
6. Buy a House Near Your Significant Other’s Parent’s House: Just because your relationships tend to have a life expectancy of about three weeks, don’t let it deter you from rushing into things.
If you have money—which is the only way any of this would work out in the first place—go by TayTay’s Cape Cod example and buy up property right across the street from your soon-to-be ex’s family home. Remember, thinking ahead is for suckers.
7. Go Antiquing Again: If you’re really not contributing a large portion of your income to splurging on highboys and ancient writing desks, then you’re obviously doing something wrong. And, if your man doesn’t want to come, MAKE HIM COME ANYWAY!
8. Break Up: This moment is crucial for songwriting. Put on a stiff upper lip and take notes if needed.
9A. Write a Billboard Top 10 Hit about Your ‘Sadness’: See “I Knew You Were Trouble,” “Back to December” and “Red” for ideas.
9B. Go On a Talk Show and Reveal Everything: Here’s your moment to lay out all the juicy gossip about who that song is really about. Make John/Harry/Jake/Cory/Conor/Will/Tim/Patrick/Justin/Garrett/(insert name here) regret the moment he ever left you. You’re better off anyway, girl.
10. Never, Ever, Ever Get Back Together...LIKE EVER.
11. ‘Begin Again’: Repeat steps 1-10 as necessary. No breakup is so bad that you can’t recover from it.
In the words of Taylor herself: “What’s past is past … But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again.”