Shirtless nature enthusiast Justin Bieber is on a quest to cover every plain, hairless, and unswaggy patch on him with a tattoo and turn his body into the world’s least threatening petting zoo.
He’s clearly on some kind of Da Vinci Code mission, covering his person with undecipherable animal symbols, the latest riddle of which is a koi fish on his arm.
While he’s probably heard the required number of “that’s swag!” and “siiiick tat, Biebz” compliments his entourage must shower on him to fulfill the contract each of his friends must sign to remain in his inner circle, we have free reign to announce that this tattoo is sadly underwhelming. It doesn’t even have abs.
Justin premiered the fresh ink on Twitter, following a concert in Denmark last week. For those of you keeping score at home, this marks his twelfth brush with the needle, and now our crucial twelfth brainstorming session on what the tattoo could possibly mean.
Our blog isn’t properly certified by the American Psychiatric Association (yet), but if we had to, we’d postulate that Justin, still reeling from his on-again-off-again relationship with Selena Gomez, is filling that void with his intensified obsession with ink. Since her departure, he is literally filling the void she’s left. Their relationship is so unstable, he’s absolutely craving something constant. Something permanent. Something he can wake up to in the morning and know will be there. Something called tattoos. Something that —
All right, Justin, unfortunately our time is up. See you in your session next week, by which time you’ll probably have another tattoo for us to dissect. Take care!