Jennifer Lawrence Is God

April 24, 2013 By:
Jennifer Lawrence Is God

Time to pull out the red pen and edit those Dead Sea Scrolls and all other religious artifacts related to the Abrahamic faiths.

Because this just in: Jennifer Lawrence is God.

Jennifer Christ of Nazareth. Pope J-Law I. The Prophet Muhammadennifer Lawrence. Replace the gilded pages of Christianity’s canonical collection of sacred texts with a tinted grey lustre and really make it a silver linings playbook of prayers.

This according to a small-town Kentucky man with a DSLR who snapped some of the earliest modeling photos of the Oscar winner, and who’s middle name may also be “Humbert Humbert.”

It was about seven years ago when a fresh-faced Creator of the Universe posed for a few talent agency headshots for Chris Kaufman, a Louisville-based photographer.

He recalls his brush with the Almighty, saying that he had physically “stopped shooting,” “turned to [his] assistant” for extra dramatic effect, then said, “‘You don’t see people move like that.”

That wasn’t the case for the rest of society circa 2006. Unlike “one of the biggest agencies in the world” she went to “when she was 14 or 15” where the “receptionist” (heathen!) was super rude to her, like one of the earliest disciples, Chris always knew Jennifer had “it.”

Not “it,” the “X” Factor. The “α and Ω” Factor.

“I was like, ‘Oh, my Lord, this girl is untrained?’ I remember feeling so much came out of her,” he said to the New York Daily News. “It’s God-given.”

Sounds like Joan Osborne has finally gotten her answer. If God was one of us, he’d just be a stranger on a bus named Jennifer Lawrence, trying to make his way up the steps of the Academy Awards stage without tripping on his dress.