Everything you thought you knew about anything out of Boston last week is about to be obliterated.
There’s a new conspiracy and it’s the cutest one to date. The actual mastermind behind the Boston Marathon bombings? Zooey Deschanel, according to Fox News.
Coverage from FOX 4 Dallas-Fort Worth closed captioned a report on the identified suspect to read, “…marathon bombing, he is 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel.”
And that was how an unassuming doe-eyed TV star pulled the rug right out from under the country’s tray of red velvet cupcakes. Nefariously distracted by her vintage polka-dotted dresses and adorable bangs, it was the perfect disguise – so perfect we didn't bother to look past it all and see Zooey was a “he.”
Furthermore we didn’t even realize that all her singsong and chirpy delivery was actually Morse Code to the extremist Chechen cell in plain sight.
It turns out Homeland Security does have the right guy after all because Zooey was misidentified. She was quick to get in on the national conversation by retweeting the screen grab circulating Twitter: “Whoa! Epic closed captioning FAIL!” which sounds suspiciously like something a Chechen spy would say if their cover were blown.
Though in reality, there’s one piece of evidence that stands in Zooey’s innocent favor: There’s nothing quirky about treason.