So last night on "Dancing With The Stars" was a country night, which meant that the contestants did normal ballroom routines to country music. It was exactly like you’re imaging a waltz to a country song would be...equal parts red-neck AND classy.
Let’s just breeze through the performances, shall we (dance)?
Sabrina Bryan got a perfect 30 score for a rumba that was inspired by an abusive relationship she was in. Great way to start off the show. High-score, low self-esteem. Super great.
Apolo Anton Ohno also got a perfect 30 score for a waltz to a Rascal Flatt’s song. It was a good dance, but honestly I really only like seeing Apolo in a tank doing a hip-hop routine.
Kirstie Alley got 27.5 points, a career high, for a sexy rumba performance. “You are the queen of sexy,” says Inaba, clearly out of puns for the night.
Melissa Rycroft is still milking that neck injury storyline and got 29.5 points with a waltz, also to a country song. Did you know that the waltz was first created as a folk dance in Germany? So to see it done to a country song is kind of like doing ballet to a Justin Bieber song, but I digress, this is “Dancing With The Stars,” the show were Rob Kardashian is good at something!! Hooray for Hollywood!
Shawn Johnson was also injured, probably jealous of Melissa, I don’t know, and got a solid 28 points for a cha-cha to the Kenny Chesney song “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” and oh my gawwd, is that a name of an actual song?
Gilles Marini got 27.5 points for a cha cha to Shania Twain’s classic song, “Man! I feel Like A Woman” which was cute and cheesy because Giles is not in fact a woman.
Kelly Monaco’s tango was unmemorable and she got 27 points. I’m also convinced she’s secretly dating her dance partner Val Chmerkovskiy.
Emmitt Smith only landed 26.5 points for their foxtrot and somehow incorporated moves from the “Gangnam Style” music video.
The night ended in a terrible group dance to “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” which was like watching a high-school prom just find out they are allowed to freak dance.