When it comes to airing their laundry to the world, a celebrity’s platform of choice is a vague read-between-the-lines photo of some sort on Instagram. And lucky for all of you, we have the super TOP SECRET celebrity cryptogram software—our obsession with celebrity gossip coupled with having too much time on our hands due to our crushing personal loneliness—that reveals what each of them really means.
When Selena Gomez posted this screenshot:
What she captioned: “That’s who you wanna wake up to. #promise”
What it means: She’s back with Justin Bieber again (most likely) and re-re-re-re-working on their relationship for the 335th time.
When Karrueche Tran quoted Buddha:
What she captioned: “Well..”
What she means: She and Chris Brown have broken up again and she’s having a level-headed and optimistic outlook about it in order to move on.
When Khloe Kardashian shared this poem:
What she captioned: Nothing.
What she means: She’s moved on from her ex-husband Lamar Odom and is open to the relationship she’s started with French Montana. In this case, it’s crucial that she didn’t upload a caption. She’s literally a BLANK SLATE now and ready to start a new chapter in her life (or 140 characters, whatever amount can fit in an Instagram caption, natch).
When Iggy Azalea tossed this note to her fans:
What she captioned: “This is my mind state about everything & the only time I'm ever going to refer to this again so go nuts guys, Enjoy it. Ps. If you squint exxxtra hard you can see tiny elves having illuminati meetings between the lines in my notes app too.”
What she means: This is a bit of an outlier here, but what she meant is exactly laid out in her note above. This is uncommon for a celebrity, which has us wondering if she’s in fact being cryptic in some meta way we can’t even comprehend. Help!