Ancient civilizations aside, you wouldn’t really need a Mayan calendar to tell you that the end ‘o times are nearing, especially after the year we’ve had in celeb news. The entertainment news equivalent of giant locusts descending in massive swarms, spontaneous worldwide droughts, and headless horsemen, here are some of the most blatant 2012 signs of the upcoming apopculture-lypse!
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez break up. Let’s be real, this could only happen unless we were being punished by forces beyond our control.
Channing Tatum named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Again, the human race doesn’t give it to Ryan Gosling, and the universe doesn’t give third chances.
Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattison. Further proof that true love only exists in the Twilight books and Will Arnett and Amy Poehler’s marriage—wait, what?!?
Will Arnett and Amy Poehler got divorced. If these two can’t find love together, neither can you. STOP TRYING.
Johnny Depp and One Direction take a photo together. When an untouchably cool person does something this uncool it’s just game over.
“30 Rock” is in its final season. No Liz Lemon in your life, no reason to live.
Uma Thurman gave birth to cryptically named child Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. This one just sends my prophecy radar off the charts. When it comes to celeb baby names, we get you’re not supposed to get when an actress names her kid Quinoa, Kale, Wheatberry, or anything else you can find at a Whole Foods hot bar. But this time Uma names her child after what only sounds like a clue ripped from The Da Vinci Code. What is Uma trying to tell us?!?!!
Rihanna and Chris Brown have another new song together, “Nobody’s Business,” and it’s on your iPod because it’s good.
Danielle Staub is returning to the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” The creature has risen!
Rob Kardashian released a high-end line of $30 socks. But more terrifying is that at least one person who’s not a Kardashian will buy it.
Taylor Swift is giving love advice in a new column. The 22-year-old’s wisdom culled from anywhere between 8 to 2,000 failed relationships appears in Seventeen magazine, meaning her words will meld the mind of a future teenage army set to destroy us all
If this wasn’t enough proof for you, then I don’t know what is/you’re in denial.
The only sense this makes is that it all makes no sense and that the world will collapse in on itself at midnight December 31, 2011. Ugh, and I was really, really looking forward to Beyoncé’s Super Bowl Half-time performance next year, you guys!
R.I.P. (Rest in Pop Culture)