Ricky Gervais returned to the stage to remind Golden Globe Winners to cut their speeches short, telling them they don’t need to thank everyone.
Boss star Kelsey Grammer won for Best Actor in a TV Drama Series, beating out Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad and Steve Buscemi for Boardwalk Empire. Steve Buscemi looked a little depressed about it, but then again, it's Steve Buscemi.
In his acceptance speech, Kelsey thanked his controversial younger wife, Kayte Walsh. A cloud of awkwardness fell over the crowd. They must be Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans.
Jimmy Fallon and Adam Levine presented the award for Best Original Score. Jimmy claimed he had "moves like Jagger." And at Mick Jagger's age, I can only imagine that means Jimmy Fallon urinates on himself periodically.
The Award for Best Original Score went to The Artist, the much buzzed about silent film of this year. Best Original Song went to Madonna's directorial debut, W.E..
Michelle Williams announced the nominees for Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Peter Dinklage, star of Game of Thrones, took home the award.
Dinklage revealed that his mom was rooting for another nominee, Guy Pearce.
And back to Ricky Gervais, who introduced the next presenter: "The Cloonmeister General." He means George Clooney.
Clooney took the stage, carrying a cane a la Brad Pitt in recent weeks. He gave a small introduction for Pitt's flick, Moneyball. And I'm not sure why they keep showing us the same previews we've been watching for the past three months, but that's cool. Also, when are we going to see skinny Jonah Hill's debut?
Jessica Alba presented the award for Best Animated Feature Film, which went to Steven Spielberg's The Adventures of Tintin.
Time for another movie trailer you've seen a hundred times. Ewan McGregor introduced 50/50, starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen. I need to see that movie.
So ok, these trailers are probably a good idea.
Nicole Kidman just announced Woody Allen as winner for Best Screenplay for Midnight In Paris.
"Woody could not be here tonight," Nicole announced. "So he wants to say thank you to the Hollywood Foregin Press. 'Come and Get it Woody'."
No amount of sexual innuendo will undo that Botox, woman.
William H. Macy and wife Felicity Huffman did their best to be that annoying couple by singing a custom-made Golden Globes diddy. It worked. They announced Jessica Lange as Best Supporting Actress.
And back to Ricky. He introduced Madonna as a pop star who is "just like a virgin," before coughing conspicuously.
Madonna took the joke in stride, saying:
"If I'm still just like a virgin, Ricky, then why don’t you come over here and do something about it? I haven't kissed a girl in three years. On TV."
Madonna then announced Best Foreign Language Film, which went to A Separation, an Iranian movie. So….no In the Land of Blood and Honey, then? Sorry, Angelina.
Dustin Hoffman took the stage to announce Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama, and the award went to…Claire Danes.
"I first won this award when I was fifteen for 'My So Called Life' and the first thing I did when I left the stage was burst into tears because I forgot to thank my parents."
It'd be really funny if she forgot to thank them again.
Emily Blunt is the next presenter, and she looks stunning in a bright saffron gown.
There's a Bridesmaids snippet, and yet another reference to Melissa McCarthy's pooping. The vibe of the show has just turned to comedy, folks.
Tina Fey and Jane Lynch then announced Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy. It went to Matt LeBlanc. You remember Matt LeBlanc. Good for him. This is the best thing to happen to Matt since Wendy Williams stole his Friends catchphrase.
Bradley Cooper. The estrogen level in the room just went up. Cooper announced The Help's Octavia Spencer as winner for Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Spencer said:
"With regard to domestics in this country, I think Dr. King said it best: 'All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance.'"
Yeah, you hear that people? Live blogging for humanity, over here.
Sidney Poitier just took the stage and thank god he talks slow, giving me enough time to Google how to spell his name. He, along with Helen Mirren, are giving a tribute to Morgan Freeman. If they put in 'A Dolphin's Tale' in the montage, I'm shutting my computer down and going to bed.
After his tribute, America's favorite narrator, Morgan Freeman, takes the stage to accept his Cecil B. DeMille Award.
He said a lot of things. A lot. I'll paraphrase:
"My passion in life has always been acting."
Robert Downey, Jr. took the stage for the first time tonight, and he didn't reprimand Ricky Gervais this time! Probably because Ricky has been seriously limited during this show. Where is he?
Angelina Jolie got onstage, and dammit if she's not still stunning as hell. I'd hate to be the woman standing next to Angelina Jolie at any given time. Jolie announced Martin Scorsese's Best Director win for Hugo.
"They're ridiculously gorgeous specimens," Ricky said of the two. "They're extremely talented. And probably very interesting. I can't tell because…" and then the entirety of what he said was bleeped out so I have no idea. Update to come.
Either way, Antonio Banderes responded in Spanish for about five minutes before Salma Hayek said, "don't worry, I don’t understand him either."
Anyway, Modern Family beat out Glee and New Girl for Best Television series. Sorry, Zooey Deschanel. You might have painted your tuxedo nails for nothing.
And of course, Modern Family star Sofia Vergara is being crazy and getting away with it because she's hot again.
And now, another Pepsi commercial. Starring Sofia Vergara. I really need to hit the gym. And get massive boob implants. And adopt a Colombian accent.
Newly engaged Jessica Biel presented the award for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, which went to Jean Dujardin in The Artist.
Ricky returned to the stage to gush about the next presenter, calling him talented and kind and all that.
"What you don't know about him is that he's very racist," Ricky joked. "And I saw him punch a little blind kitten. Please welcome the evil Colin Firth."
Firth then announced that Meryl Streep won for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture Drama. I think she's won some other stuff before.
Jane Fonda was the next presenter, and I don’t know what pact she signed with the Devil to have a body like that at 74, but it was worth it.
Anyway, Jane announced The Artist as winner for Best Motion Picture. The cast went up onstage, along with a small dog.
People are really getting ridiculous about taking their dogs everywhere in LA.
It's time for Best Actor. And the presenter? Natalie Portman. Ricky introduced Natalie by saying she won an Oscar last year, and now that she's had a kid:
"She's been nominated for nothing. Really pathetic."
The lesson here?
"Never put family first," Ricky said. "Please welcome, the very foolish, Natalie Portman."
Natalie's response? Just totally ignore him.
Anyway, Natalie announced the nominees for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture: George Clooney ('The Descendants'), Leonardo DiCaprio ('J.Edgar'), Michael Fassbender ('Shame'), Ryan Gosling ('The Ides of March') and Brad Pitt ('Moneyball'). And the award goes to….Clooney!
"It's nice to see Brad," Clooney said. "I'm a fan. I'd like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nudity responsibility that I had. Michael, can you play golf with your hands behind your back?"
Harrison Ford then presented the award of the night: Best Motion Picture. It went to...The Descendants. The producers took the stage to thank their "extraordinary ensemble cast."
"But our quarterback is George Clooney. He is a generous actor who helped everybody do their best. So thanks, George."
And there you have it, the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards. Ricky closed the night, saying:
"Thank you, that's it, and congratulations to all the nominees and all the winners. I hope you enjoyed the goody bags and the champagne, I hope that took your minds off the recession."