Since Gabby Douglas took the gold Thursday night in the gymnastics women’s all around competition, we are anticipating her merchandising deals to take all media by storm in approximately 18 hours or less.
I mean, they probably gave her a morning to sleep in, and we have to factor in time for post-production.
While we give the copywriters a few hours to come up with something, we thought we’d kill some time exploring some of our favorite Olympians, and the random products they got paid their weight in gold to endorse.
Nancy Kerrigan, and her Reebok kicks
The 1994 silver medal-winning figure skaters accomplishment was made tenfold more impressive due to a brutal attack she endured less than two months before The Games. She was clubbed in the knee with a baton by her number one rival, Tonya Harding’s ex-husband. That’s one way to assure a win, right? Nope.
Anyway, after The Games she did a commercial for Reebok talking about the importance of listening to the voice in your head that tells you to “get up,” over a shot of her bailing on the ice. So when you get attacked people, get the hell back up – gold awaits you.
Apolo Anton Ohno needs drugs to function 24/7, from Dayquil to Nyquil and Back Again
The short track speed skater is an eight-time medalist (two gold, two silver and four bronze), and holds the title of most decorated Winter Olympian of all time – think Michael Phelps in the event of a sudden swimming pool deep freeze. Anyway, this commercial would attribute his success to the glory of cold medicine…. Which, I mean, he works on the ice, so he probably does catch a lot of colds. But is that really the best message to convey? Nyquil is no joke, y’all.
Bruce Jenner, Tropicana’s golden boy, America’s nightmare
The 1976 gold medal winner for the decathlon, Bruce is currently better known as Kris Kardashian’s overly made up plastic lawn ornament of a husband.
Ironically, in this commercial about orange juice, the now patriarch puppet of America’s most faux family is talking about the purity of the Tropicana product. By not being reconstituted, “there’s nothing added, nothing taken away.”
I’d like to make some kind of comment about how he should have skipped going under the knife and lived by this philosophy, but somehow that seems cruel.
Shawn Johnson, Gymnast and Ortega Taco Sauce enthusiast
Johnson was America’s gymnastic sweetheart in the 2008 Beijing Olympics winning gold for the balance beam and silver for the floor exercises and all around competition. Shortly thereafter she and those other twin boy gymnasts from the same games appeared, for some reason that’s yet to be determined, in a commercial for taco sauce. In perhaps the most ill-advised 60 secs in television history, Shawn is at a table between the two boys applying the sauce to her meal while saying that it really “makes my taco pop.”
If you don’t find this disturbing, plug “taco” into the urban dictionary and see entries #2 and #3. Keep in mind, she was also underage at the time…
Now, back to present day and Gabby Douglas – we love her.
But just think about the product plugging possibilities for the taut badass dubbed “The Flying Squirrel.”
Now sit by the TV and wait, cause this could get mighty entertaining.