Explaining 'Vampire Diaries' from Someone Who’s Only Seen One Episode [Spoiler Alert?]

January 24, 2014 By:
Explaining 'Vampire Diaries' from Someone Who’s Only Seen One Episode [Spoiler Alert?]
Image By: The CW

So, last night I celebrated the 100th episode of “Vampire Diaries” by watching my VERY FIRST episode of "Vampire Diaries" ever. Again, this is the first episode I have ever seen in my entire life.

With no prior knowledge of the show (aside from knowing it's about vampires and diaries), I will do my best to explain the entire series to you. It's insane. It's confusing. There could be spoilers in here; I’m not even sure.

Here goes nothing.


Nina Dobrev is the star of the show. She plays a super bitch named Katherine. She is dying and I have no idea why.


Nobody likes her because apparently she killed a lot of people.


But Nina also plays this chick named Elena, who is Katherine’s doppelganger. She appears to be well-liked. 


It’s easy to tell them apart because one has straight hair and the other has curly hair.


It’s unclear who, if anyone, is a vampire in this show.

Oh, I guess SHE is.


Paul Wesley...

is cute.


His name is Stefan and he also has a doppelganger (I think?), but I can’t tell them apart because his hair always looks the same.


Stefan is the ONLY one that doesn’t hate Katherine, because they hooked up one time and it was HOT!

He still wants to bone her, even though she’s dying.


Oh, there’s also Ian Somerhalder who only plays ONE character named Damon and he has great bone structure,

and is REALLY sarcastic.


He hates Katherine and loves Elena, but for some reason he can’t be with Elena and that makes him super moody.


Damon and Stefan are brothers and they all have some weird kind of love triangle (square?) with the two Nina Dobrevs.


Oh also, Katherine’s daughter (who has a completely different accent than her mom FYI) doesn’t want her mom to die, so she tells her to “take over her body” because Katherine’s a “traveler,” whatever that means.


But the only way for Katherine to travel into her daughter’s body is to make Elena and Stefan go hide in the middle of the woods for some reason.


But Katherine doesn’t want to go into her daughter’s body. She says she just wants to die because she’s already lived for 500 years, so she’s over it.

Mother and daughter don’t seem to get along that well anyways.


Damon tries to kill Katharine, but he’s stopped by a woman who looks like a park ranger.

Meanwhile, there are some smaller characters doing…things.


There’s this chick,


and this guy,


and they don’t appear to do anything other than be a couple.


There’s also this guy,

who they only refer to as “The Quarterback.”


And this chick.


Who is very vocal about the fact that she’s “in college.”


She goes into the woods to look for “The Quarterback.”


But ends up finding this guy instead. 


They apparently used to date,

or suck each other’s blood…


Where was I?


Oh yeah, Katherine is STILL dying and Elena goes to say goodbye, because she “forgives her now.”

I'm not sure what their beef is about. Something to do with being doppelgangers and stealing each other’s boyfriends…probably.


Anyways, Katherine says something in Turkish (I think) and her soul goes into Elena’s body.

And now I think Elena is dead?


And that’s everything you need to know about "Vampire Diaries," according to someone who's only watched one episode. THE END!