If you’re a loser at the Oscars, you’re still a loser.
The Academy is handing out these gift bags, valued at $80,000, to this year’s nominees and for those who don’t take home an Oscar, well, they get to take home this ridiculous hodgepodge of weirdness.
All the usual suspects are here—skincare products, vacation packages to Hawaii, wax candles worth more than what you pay in rent for your apartment—but they’re easily overshadowed by this crazier shit.
Hydroxycut protein shakes
This isn’t the time to put on a few pounds.
A lollipop that balances your doshic energy, one lick at a time.
Mace Pepper Spray Gun
To keep TMZ at bay.
Literally just a plug for your drain.
Epic Pet Health electrolyte therapy
Electrolytes for your dog.
Luxurious and eco-friendly sustainable gift wrapping paper.
Rouge Maple Syrup
You adopt a maple tree and receive all the organic maple it produces. It’s “the best maple syrup you’ve ever tasted.”
The Green Garmento Gargantote
The Green Garmento
A sustainable laundry basket, which the actors will definitely be giving to their maids and assistants.
Le Petit Cirque aerial lessons
Le Petit Cirque
Pretty sure no actor's agent or contract is just going to let their talent somersault 100 feet in the air for an afternoon, but okay.
Slimware portion-control plates
To help you “change the way you LOOK at dieting” through dishware. It’s a set of plates you can barely see (in other words, they’re basically just small-ass plates).
The O-Shot Procedure
A doctor injects a stem cell into your vagina and this apparently improves your sex life.
ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System
A robotic system that’ll make you look natural.