This Year’s Oscars Gift Bag Makes NO Sense

February 20, 2014 By:
This Year’s Oscars Gift Bag Makes NO Sense
Image By: Getty Images

If you’re a loser at the Oscars, you’re still a loser.

The Academy is handing out these gift bags, valued at $80,000, to this year’s nominees and for those who don’t take home an Oscar, well, they get to take home this ridiculous hodgepodge of weirdness.

All the usual suspects are here—skincare products, vacation packages to Hawaii, wax candles worth more than what you pay in rent for your apartment—but they’re easily overshadowed by this crazier shit.

 

Hydroxycut protein shakes


Hydroxycut

This isn’t the time to put on a few pounds.

 

Dosha Pops


Dosha Pops

A lollipop that balances your doshic energy, one lick at a time.

 

Mace Pepper Spray Gun

Mace

To keep TMZ at bay.

 

DrainWig


DrainWig

Literally just a plug for your drain.

 

Epic Pet Health electrolyte therapy


Epic

Electrolytes for your dog.

 

Wrag Wrap


Wrag Wrap

Luxurious and eco-friendly sustainable gift wrapping paper.

 

Rouge Maple Syrup


Rouge

You adopt a maple tree and receive all the organic maple it produces. It’s “the best maple syrup you’ve ever tasted.”

 

The Green Garmento Gargantote


The Green Garmento

A sustainable laundry basket, which the actors will definitely be giving to their maids and assistants.

 

Le Petit Cirque aerial lessons


Le Petit Cirque

Pretty sure no actor's agent or contract is just going to let their talent somersault 100 feet in the air for an afternoon, but okay.

 

Slimware portion-control plates


Slimware

To help you “change the way you LOOK at dieting” through dishware. It’s a set of plates you can barely see (in other words, they’re basically just small-ass plates).

 

The O-Shot Procedure


O-Shot

A doctor injects a stem cell into your vagina and this apparently improves your sex life.

 

ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System


ARTAS

A robotic system that’ll make you look natural.