This Sunday, our nation will worship at football’s altar (the TV) to break bread (pizza crust) and yell “Hail Marys” (get it?) in honor of the blessed Super Bowl.
However, for those of us who couldn’t care less about what turf the Seasnakes and the Ponies (those are the teams playing, right?) are scuffling on this weekend, there’s still hope! Contrary to popular belief, there are other things to watch instead of the big game and we’ve grazed the television landscape for some alternative programming.
Super Bowl XLVIII airs from 3:30–7 p.m. (PST) on CBS, during which time you could be watching:
Alvin and the Chipmunks
The tale of how three animated chipmunks help a struggling songwriter (Jason Lee) score a hit.
Airs on KFTR at 11 a.m.
Because the real showdown is between vampires and werewolves, not to mention Kate Beckinsale decked out in leather.
Airs on FX at 4:30 p.m.
NutriBullet with David Wolfe
While everyone’s stuffing their faces with Buffalo wings dipped in ranch dressing, you can count your calorie intake and stress-eat instead because the game that’s You vs. Your Body is way more nerve-wracking.
Airs on HSN at 4 p.m.
A Sister’s Nightmare
Jane (Kelly Rutherford) is a young police officer who’s been raising her niece while the girl’s biological mother, Cass, is locked away in a state penitentiary for the criminally insane. But after Cass is released, Jane is still convinced her sister is dangerous and takes the law into her own hands to protect the family. If you thought a sister’s nightmare was when a sibling would borrow her blouses without asking, boy, are you wrong!
Airs on Lifetime at 3 p.m.
Ted Bundy: Death Row Tapes
Spend your relaxing Sunday afternoon sipping tea and sitting across from notorious serial killer Ted Bundy as he spills his darkest secrets.
Airs on MSNBC at 6 p.m.
You know what’s missing from a real football game? Metaphors, character backstory, and Cuba Gooding, Jr. This 2003 film, based on a true story, tells the story of a high school coach who befriends a mentally-disabled man in South Carolina.
Airs on BET at 4:30 p.m.
British House of Commons
Football is basically like watching paint dry, so do something more exciting with your time and watch the British Prime Minister face off against members of the lower house of Parliament. Turn it into a drinking game—shots every time their accents make you giggle for no apparent reason or when one of them says a big word outside your vocabulary.
Airs on C-SPAN at 6 p.m.
The Brady Bunch
“Sadness befalls the Bradys when it appears Jan is allergic to Dad!” Oh, Jan!
Airs on TV Land at 4 p.m.
A woman and young daughter fake their own deaths to escape an abusive husband/father and create a new life in Palm Springs. Eight years later, the husband finds out they’re still alive and tracks them down to cause them harm again.
Airs on Lifetime (of course) at 5 p.m.
Tequila provides this Mexican-American family with luxury and wealth in this reality series that focuses on their rise from nothing to lavish purchases in Orange County. You had us at “tequila.”
Airs on TV-GNP at 6 p.m.
Sex and the City
Carrie couldn’t help but wonder whether her hopes of “just being friends” with Big were unrealistic and in the context of the Super Bowl, we can’t help but wonder if two exes can truly be friendly after tackling a past relationship in the end zone.
Airs on E! at 3:30 p.m.