Last night I watched the latest episode of “Pretty Little Liars.” It was the first episode of “Pretty Little Liars” I have ever seen in my life (I’m not being a pretty little liar here, that’s the truth).
Before sitting down for last night’s episode, “Bite Your Tongue,” I stocked up on cereal, popcorn, and peanut butter—all the comfort foods I needed to help me through what I could only imagine would be the most confusing hour of my life.
Without any prior knowledge of the show—I didn’t even Wikipedia it because #JOURNALISM—and after last night's viewing, let me explain to you what the entire series is about.
There are supposedly spoilers here...though I couldn't confidently tell you what exactly, considering how I watched it. Anyway, here we go!
Lucy Hale is the central character, Aria. She’s like a modern-day Nancy Drew possessed by a Mila Kunis look-alike. And just like we all did when we were 17 years old, she solves murders in between chemistry labs and SATs.
She has a group of girlfriends who help her sort out all the intrigue. Their names are Girl With Blonde Hair, Girl With Dark Hair, and Other Girl With Dark Hair.
And they’re liars.
They’re pretty little liars.
Who on occasion wear way too much red.
25-year-old grown-ups totally believable high schoolers are caught up in a mystery involving a close friend who’s gone missing.
Or is she...?
Her name is Jessie, or Brie, or Storm, or something* (I forget, she looks like a Jessie/Brie/Storm/something).
*Whoops, it’s Alison.
She wrote crime fiction (or is it fiction?) that the girls are using as clues to find her.
There’s a faceless villain dubbed “A” who’s running about the halls of Falconpaw High and no one knows who s/he is.
WHO IS “A”?!!?!
That’s the ongoing premise of this series.
Complicating matters, Aria is quietly dating one of her teachers, who has secrets of his own.
His name’s Ezra and he must have graduated from that school last semester because he literally looks the same age as the students.
He’s ironing out a divorce with another teacher and they have a kid, but there’s something unresolved there?
S’WANYWAYS, GET THIS. Last night he was having a boysenberry pie and beer and it was crazy that he’d pair those two together…
…according to a die-hard “PLL” fan I texted midway through the episode.
Is it all making sense now?!
The Girl With Blonde Hair is the most daring of the group (hello, she was in Spring Breakers) and is always *thisclose* to discovering the identity of "A."
Then there’s this girl who was Alison’s closest confidant. Because you should always trust a girl who has her eyebrows in check.
I mean, that’s just, like, the rules of feminism.
The smartest however is the other dark-haired friend who’s basically their Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, cracking riddles left and right.
If “Pretty Little Liars” were the Spice Girls, she’d be their Sporty Spice.
She’s also the only one onto Ezra. She discovered he was secretly dating Alison right before she disappeared.
It was a big deal for some reason, but he drinks a beer called Board Shorts.
Do you think they carry this at Whole Foods?
Ashley Benson received a message of her own from “A,” buried in one of her teeth.
Hope she had dental because damn, gurl, that sounds $$$$$.
Then a bird in a cage started squawking in a dark empty room and it was all insanity.
You guys, I literally couldn’t believe it either: THE BIRD IS “A.”
All this time — a BIRD.
The mastermind, pulling all the strings! I just CAN. NOT. Believe it.
What a tricky, sinister bird.
And that wraps up this recap of “Pretty Little Liars.” Solved it!