Lindsay Lohan is making her first post-Lifetime feature film debut, except she’s still not in a real movie. Lindsay’s starring role in The Canyons looks like a straight-to-the-internet movie mess and I cannot get enough! The trailer has debuted and it’s bound to become a cult classic.
So, this movie is about sex and death in Los Angeles? I think? It’s also filmed like it’s a late ‘60s snuff flick, except for the modern day exterior shots of Hollywood and the iPhones, but ok. We can look past that.
There is no dialogue except for grainy text like this one, “Welcome to the Canyons, where everything goes and the sex is as cheap as the budgets and the only way out is death. Prepare yourself for a shocking new vision.”
Then they cut away to a still of Lindsay making a “shocked” face, a ‘la a B-Movie Horror film from the ‘60s.
This is so bad, it has to be good.
Then there’s a shot of a bloody hand holding an iPhone and Lindsay smiling in an oversized hat as she walks outside of what I think looks like the corner of Sunset and La Cienega. Very little makes sense, viewer. Very little.
Also, Lindsay’s co-star James Deen, a well-known porn star is introduced as “James ‘Huge’ Deen.” Seriously, this movie isn’t even a comedy. They call James the “boy next door gone bad” and Lindsay is described as “sweet as sin.”
If you say so?
This movie is also being billed as being “suspenseful.”
Watch this glorious thing they call “The Canyons” here: