Here’s the section where we try to put into words what exactly is going on with the tumbling, sometimes-spray-tanned starlet Lindsay Lohan.
Would You Rather…: Apparently, Los Angeles and Santa Monica prosecutors have come up with what they feel is a reasonable means of punishment: Either Lindz can go under house arrest, or she can spend a fun-filled 90 days in the clink.
Obviously, as Lindsay’s yellow pages lawyer Mark Heller describes, the former would be preferable…
Stubborn Shrew: The only thing reportedly standing in the way of what should be a pretty cut-and-dry case is the fact that Lindsay Lohan is an obstinate fool.
According to TMZ, Lindsay is refusing to accept any deal where punishment is involved. In fact, they should pay her for all the trouble. (OK, that last part, we made up. But COME ON… She crashed her car that she wasn’t even supposed to be driving, then lied to the cops about it.)
According to the Los Angeles Times, though, prosecutors are more interested in protecting the public from the LiLo sh*tstorm by rehabilitation, rather than locking her behind bars for a bit.
Impending Doom: Trial is set for March 18. Looks like we’re going there.
Paying Dem Bills: In other news, Lindsay’s gladiator father, Michael Lohan, has scored the esteemed role as the next “Cheaters” host. If it pays well, maybe he can afford a new attorney for her.
On Lindsay's potential imprisonment, Michael thinks that jail doesn't suit her.
"I have always said that I don't want her to go to jail," he writes to Hollyscoop. "I do however, want [her] to get to the right place in her life and I believe some kind of program."
He adds: "It will also get her away from the harmful people she is around and hopefully help to bring her mom and I to family therapy, with Lindsay like I and every therapist has asked! I pray, Dina would agree!" So, yes. Dina still sucks.