So you missed the Oscars. (Nice going!) Or, you loved them so much that you wanted to relive the stale ceremony again in bullet point form. Either way, we’ve got you covered here.
Seth MacFarlane Drops a Super Racist Chris Brown Joke: The 2013 host will go down in history for publicly putting the ongoing Chris Brown-Rihanna drama as bluntly, and as racist as possible when he likened the slavery beating scenes in Django Unchained to a date night between the hip-hop pair… Yikes. Even he got a little red after that one.
Ben Affleck Doesn’t Exist: Seth also mentioned that Argo director Ben Affleck doesn’t exist in the eyes of the Academy, pointing a big hairy finger at the pink elephant snub in the room. If you haven’t heard, he wasn’t nominated for the category that he won in at the Golden Globes.
KStew Arrives on Crutches: Wait, what happened? Official photos tried to hide it, but because every single person there has a smart phone it was about two seconds before we all knew the truth. Later, she limped out to present Best Production Design with Daniel Radcliffe and it was pretty embarrassing.
Shirley Bassey Tributes Bond Like a Boss: Seriously, we didn’t even know human vocals go this high. Bassey got a standing ovation for her interpretation of “Goldfinger” and earned every single clap.
Jaws Theme to Rush Winners Off: Want to come off like an a$$hole? Rush someone through their Oscar speech. Still not enough? Do it with one of the most abominable songs ever recorded.
A Rambling Hippie Wins the Best Cinematography Category: A dude, Claudio Miranda, with long white hair won for Life of Pi. He went up on the stage and got long-winded like a kid trying to explain to his mom why the cookie jar is open. It was actually pretty cute.
John Travolta Shows Up Out of Nowhere: Wait, wasn’t he just involved in a huge gay sex scandal last summer… Huh, guess not. Oh well.
Holy F*ck! They did Chicago: No one saw this performance coming. Though, everyone seemed to enjoy Renée Zellweger’s most relevant performance in like ten years.
They did Les Mis Too: Anne Hathaway sang, with more hair this time. Also, there was a Dreamgirls performance, which was by far the best.
Adele Sings ‘Skyfall’ And It Was As Amazing As We All Expected: I highly doubt that anyone, no matter how sour-hearted they may be, could even begin to find something wrong with this performance. Later, she won for best song—also expected.
Babs Comes Out and It Makes Your Mom Happy: Barbra Streisand did an extended performance that you probably left the room during to make a new batch of popcorn. The cliff notes version is that your mom says it was really good.
Quentin Tarantino is Drunk, But Still Awesome: Yeah, the madman probably had a few pops before accepting his award for Best Original Screenplay, but he still managed to remain Tarantino-poised. Quentin, we freakin’ love you!
Ang Lee Thanks ‘Movie God’ That’s all. It was pretty awesome.
Jennifer Lawrence Falls on the Stairs: It was the collective TV GASP heard 'round ABC’s viewership. JLaw tripped going up the stairs. Hugh Jackman ran in to save her. It was a mess. This only briefly tainted her spotless star status.
Michelle Obama Presents Best Picture: Holy hell. The first lady telecomed in to award Argo with the best picture of the year. Headline: her bangs looked great.
Ben Affleck Rushed to Allow Time For Seth MacFarlane to be Seth MacFarlane: Why must we endure Ben Affleck speed-mumble like a crazy person to allow time for MacFarlane and Kristin Chenoweth to dance around like monkeys? Remind us who this show is for again? Right…