Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to Secretly Wed in Paris

May 15, 2013 By:
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to Secretly Wed in Paris

One word you never thought you’d see in the same sentence with “Kim Kardashian and Kanye West” is “private.”

Yet (YET!) here it is, that tectonic-plate-shifting sequence of words, printed in OK! magazine’s “Kim & Kanye: Secret French Wedding” report, saying “the couple is planning to run off and be married in a small, truly private ceremony outside of Paris, France…”

For the pair, this is very uncharacteristic of the behavior we’ve been forced to study in our “Celebrity International Affairs” seminar at Blogger’s State College: University of Blogging.

One minute they’re trying on high-fashion goods all over the French capital for the paparazzi’s viewing pleasure, the next they’re getting into boxing matches with steel poles for the paparazzi’s viewing pleasure, then all of a sudden they’re eloping incognito in the isolated pastoral terrain of France for no one’s viewing pleasure? It’s like you really just can’t trust some people anymore, can you?

“The whispers are that they are going to elope,” said a Kardashian source close to the family. “He’ll fly her on his jet to a little town outside of Paris where they’ll have the smallest wedding ever: old country church, just Kim, Kanye, a witness or two, and that’s it. No one [outside the family AND EVERYONE READING THIS ARTICLE SHHHHH!] will know.”

We thought we knew these two, but this is just so unlike Kim and Kanye (if that’s even their real names…) and we’re seething at the mere thought that this could be true. We've spent all this time debating whether to go with the flatware set dipped in Spanish gold or the flatware set dipped in iridium dusted with soil from the moon (because they didn’t specify on their registry) and they could be married by the time you’re done reading this sentence. Ugh!