If you’re someone who celebrated Valentine’s Day the right way this year, then you ordered yourself 14 boxes of pizza for your romantic date with all 14 new episodes of "House of Cards" season two on Friday.
You withdrew into a dark cave of politics, backstabbing and Kevin Spacey. The rest of the world faded into nothingness around you as you stuffed your face with pepperoni and popcorn and watched on in horror.
And now it’s over.
It's time to assimilate back into the real world. Here’s your step-by-step guide:
1. Vacuum all the crumbs out of your couch.
Cold uneaten slices of Dominos. Beer cans littered across your coffee table and sofa. The vague, putrid stench that is your decomposing life quietly consuming your entire apartment.
2. Take a shower.
Elite Daily/Sony Pictures
Get it together, slob.
3. Change out of your clothes.
This step is key!
4. Put on pants.
Pants are good.
5. Call in “sick” to work.
Because you’re just not going to be able to function today.
6. Drink a 12-pack of water.
Remaining hydrated in times of serious duress is a necessity.
7. Grab your nearest copy of The Washington Post.
There are no new issues of The Washington Herald for you to peruse. ACTUAL STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED OUTSIDE. Like Ellen Page’s coming out, the invasive Bode Miller post-race interview, and Kickstarter’s security breach.
8. Watch this video of kittens falling asleep.
After hours upon hours of "House of Cards," your eyes and ears have experienced too much. (Too. Much.) Time to cancel it out with something SQUEEE.
9. Respond to all your text messages.
They wanted to make plans for brunch on Saturday and now you have to apologize.
10. Call your parents.
To let them know you’re alive. Because you have 15 voicemails from this weekend and only parents leave voicemails.
11. Make sure you move your car to the NOT-street-cleaning side of the street.
Don’t forget you still have RESPONSIBILITIES.
12. Go on a hike. Yoga in the park. Just do anything that involves being outside.
Because vitamin D is kiiiiinda crucial.
13. Recycle your empty beer cans for money.
You might as well make some cold hard cash after watching this cold hard brilliant show.
14. Google image photos of “Kevin Spacey smiling.”
Remember the times when he was a good man with a heart.
15. Run for political office.
Because the show has inspired you to make a positive difference in the world. Also because politics looks really fucking cool now.