If you clogged your toilet, you call a plumber. If you locked your keys inside your apartment, you call a locksmith. If you have a break-up single to write, you call Taylor Swift.
Selena Gomez has friends in high places, so in this specific case she punches the #4 on her speed dial (Tay Tay) to help write "Better Without You," her first single since breaking up with Justin Bieber. The way Selena orders up a scathing diss track is the same way you get the nearest restaurant to deliver a plate of chicken satay when you're craving Thai.
MTV announced the new single, set for a March 18 release date, with this tweet: "@SelenaGomez's new single 'Better Without You' will be released on March 18. She wrote it with @TaylorSwift13"
Nowhere do they call it "scathing," "about Justin," or "da diss song of spring" but you read between the 140 characters and try to argue otherwise.
Taylor lends her experience with airing an exes dirty, cheating, heartbreaking laundry, so this is basically just like any other chore for her. Right after she made her bed and took out the trash, Taylor picked up Selena's pen and helped Selena reveal how she's so much "Better Without YEAH YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE" (unofficial song title).
My head is spinning with what we can expect from the opening verse. Perhaps a lyric about how I'm so better without your spiky yellow hats / your leopard pants were a total trap? Maybe a chorus like, Can't you see? / How stupid your shirtless Instagram pics must be / Better without you / Looks so much better on me. Before you ask, the answer is yes, I make awesome Valentine's Day-themed mixtapes for angry single twentysomethings and am booked all through 2015.
The Biebz and his Beliebers haven't been having the hottest week. From scuffles with the paparazzi and cancelled tour dates to the "worst birthday" and PAC's funeral, this must be the cherry on top of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad seven day sundae.
"Better Without You" premieres in five days and you'll be sick of hearing about it in six.