After taking unsolicited looks into random female celebrities’ uteruses searching for babies that aren’t there, speculating for days and nights over a haircut is the most obtuse part of celebrity gossip news.
Jennifer Aniston’s hair steps—or is yanked by the roots, rather—into the spotlight this week after she premiered a choppier, bob-style cut.
“WHY WHY WHY?” you’re probably not wondering. Luckily you don’t have to fret because the Pentagon of tabloid news—In Touch, Us Weekly, OK!, Star and Life & Style—are all over the case.
“What’s Behind Jen’s Extreme Makeover?” Life & Style asks. You mean to tell me there’s MORE behind a haircut than JUST scissors? Please don’t tell me more.
That’s when Life & Style and its competitors go on to tell you more:
– Her “shockingly short!” locks are a metaphor for her relationship with fiancé Justin Theroux
– That it’s to delay her wedding
– In retaliation for Justin getting cozy with a mystery blonde over the weekend
– Because she wants to be more like Justin and have an edgier style
– They called off the wedding, broke up, and she did it because she’s sad and will be alone forever and ever
The truth? “I just got bored,” Jennifer said. “Honestly.”
Honestly, guys. It’s a haircut.