Breaking: These Stars Are 24 Months Pregnant!

July 11, 2014 By:
Breaking: These Stars Are 24 Months Pregnant!
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The celebrity news cycle has this very weird, very creepy, very can-we-stop-doing-this-please obsession with every female celebrity’s uterus.

We’re talking Eva Mendes, Jennifer Aniston, Zoe Saldana, and Beyoncé for starters.

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Eva has been pregnant for a solid two years according to the tabloids. Just today People magazine claims to have confirmed it a fact.

 

Jen-Ann has been fodder for pregnancy rumors dating all the way back to Brad Pitt—basically a decade.

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At this rate, when she finally does pop, expect about five full-grown kids to walk right out of there and onto the Dartmouth graduation stage to accept their B.A.s because daaaaaaamn have they been cooking for a while.

 

Even if you’ve already had a kid, that doesn’t put you in the clear. Less than a year after Beyoncé and Jay Z welcomed Blue Ivy, rumors quickly abounded that another was on the way because WHY NOT.

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If she ever does have a baby, that would mean this child fell within the average incubation period for a famous couple’s child: a solid 24+ months. (Remember: These are ~celebrity bebez~ and thus already don’t follow the laws of nature that normal babies do.)

 

 

‘Bloidz and gossip news sites are on constant UteroWatch, trying their best to see through the bellies of [insert-female-entertainer-in-a-high-profile-relationship-for-purposes-of-this-sentence-here] straight into the deep abyss of their baby makers just to stir speculation and drudge up Internet clicks. BECAUSE IT’S AS IF DISSECTING THIS FAMOUS WOMAN’S HAIRLINE/ANKLES/LEFT EYEBROW/FRECKLES/MAKEUP SHE WORE THAT MORNING (OR LACK THEREOF) WASN’T ENOUGH…

Anyway, it doesn’t take much to get “knocked up” in Hollywood. You can throw on a baggy sweater because it’s cold and therefore appropriate weather for said baggy sweater, but it doesn’t matter—you’re pregnant! Maybe. Possibly. Like, 129% chance you could or COULD NOT be preggers, screamed the tabloid plopped next to the Eclipse gum in the checkout line of a Ralphs.

And if you’re not expecting a child after a tabloid writer with a Ph.D. in Absolutely Nothing says you are, oh wellz, they’ll just keep saying you are until you eventually do become pregnant. And they'll say, told ya!