Last Night was the Season 13 premiere of “Dancing With The Stars.” If you missed the show but wished you hadn’t, here’s a re-cap of what went down in order of each celebrities performance.
The basketball star, Ron Artest, who just legally changed his name to Metta World Peace, decided to go by his birth name (as opposed to his “WTF” name) on the show last night. He danced the cha-cha, was convinced he was a good dancer, but according to the judges it was “atrocious.” He scored 14 points and was pretty pissed about it too.
Rob Kardashian, the Kardashian punching bag, danced the Viennese Waltz with Cheryl Burke. That waltz is pretty boring to begin with and the judges said he needed to relax and that he appeared very rigid, however he was still better than Artest. He ended up with 16 points with his sisters Kim, Khloe and hubby Lamar cheering him on from the front row.
Kristin Cavallari uses the show to make a PSA, she states, right away, that, “I’m Kristin Cavallari and I’m not a bitch.” After that weird irrelevant moment passed, she danced the cha cha with Mark Ballas and while Ballas calls her “naturally uncoordinated” she still came in the lead with 19 points, which proves that America likes watching people be very bad at something.
Chynna Phillips danced the Viennese Waltz and scored 22 points. But she’s from some band in the 90’s that I don’t know much about, so I’m not obligated to focus on the “lesser celebs.”
Nancy Grace danced the cha cha, and while she may be fearless in the courtroom, she wasn’t on the dance floor. Nancy forgot some of the choreography and then the judges argued about something and she ended up with 16 points. Still better than Ron Artest.
David Arquette danced another Viennese Waltz but none of that mattered because his “wife”, whom he is currently separated from, Courtney Cox, and their daughter Coco were in the audience causing a stir. The camera kept cutting away to them and everyone talked about how cute Coco was and then everyone was like “David Who? Oh yea, 18 points.”
Elisabetta Canalis danced the cha cha to the Katy Perry Song, “Last Friday Night” which is a weird song choice for anyone over the age of 14. Regardless, judges said she lacked confidence and that “when you’re alone, you kind of fall apart.” She only got 15 points.
Hope Solo is an athlete and a front-runner to be a hot contestant, because athletes always seem to do well on this show. But this USA soccer goalie made one too many weird soccer puns like “blocking the competition” ugggh. Anyways, she scored 21 points for her Viennese waltz with Maksim Chmerkovskiy but the judges said she needed to be more feminine.
Carson Kressley used this show as a platform for his burgeoning comedy career, “I put the ‘c’ in ‘Caucasian’” he says. Ok, lol? However the judges said his cha cha wasn’t quite “perfect” but that his seizure-like dancing skills were entertaining to watch.
J.R. Martinez, an Iraq war veteran and cast member on “All My Children” danced a Viennese Waltz that was surprisingly good. Len says JR stands for “just right” which is totally how they talk on these shows. He scored 22 points.
Ricki Lake also did the Viennese Waltz and said she’s on the show to “get my slamming body back.” She danced with Julianne Hough’s hot brother Derek Hough and since she comes from a Broadway background it was no wonder she scored 20 points.
They saved the most buzzed about contestant for last, Chaz Bono proved that even though he’s carrying a fat tire round his waist, he’s pretty light on his feet. With all the pressure on Chaz to “represent the entire transgender community” it was a relief that he wasn’t awful. His cha cha was decent and scored him 17 points.
High scores were a tie between JR Martinez and Chynna Phillips. Someone goes home tonight! Dun Dun Dun.