Warlocks Offended by Charlie Sheen

March 2, 2011 By:
Warlocks Offended by Charlie Sheen

A group of actual overweight virgins warlocks are pissed off at Charlie Sheen for claiming he’s a “Vatican assassin warlock.”

Christian Day, a practicing warlock from "Salem’s Coven of the Raven Moon" in Salem, Massachusetts says Sheen’s statement is a “blatant offense against our ways.”

And then he started crying and smudged his eyeliner. I’m actually proud of these guys for looking up from their game of Magic: The Gathering long enough to know what’s going on in the news. I didn’t know you could get TV reception from your mom’s basement, though.

Day says he’s not going to take any legal action (because demanding payment in Doritos and Big Red isn’t allowed), but he will put a magic spell on Sheen.

“I am going to magically bind Mr. Sheen, not to harm him, but to simply prevent him from using this word in such a negative manner in the future.”

This dude doesn’t know who he’s f-cking with. Because Charlie Sheen has magic in his fingertips. Oh wait, that was poetry. Where did he have magic again? In his underwear before his first cup of coffee? I don't remember, but either way, sh-t is about to get supernatural. Day added that he is willing to perform a cleansing on Charlie, his home, and his career. I'm sure it has nothing to do with going to Sheen's mansion so he can finally be within thirty feet of an actual woman.

And the warlocks aren’t the only ones Charlie has upset. He’s also offended: tigers, Adonises, Martians, and droopy-eyed armless children.