Charlie Sheen’s insane meltdown, filled with tiger whatever and Adonis blah blah blah, was so bizarre, there wasn’t much territory to cover at his roast. Jay Leno, David Letterman, and SNL pretty much got it covered. But the Comedy Central roast team managed to find some undiscovered porn and drug jokes to entertain us with.
The roast was hosted by Seth MacFarlane and featured Jon Lovtiz, Kate Walsh, Mike Tyson, Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, Steve-O, William Shatner and Patrice O’Neal. Here’s the best of what each roaster brought to the slaughter.
Kate Walsh: “I have to say, Charlie, you are an incredible medical specimen. I guess that's one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack...It's amazing -- after abusing your lungs, liver and kidneys, the only thing you've had removed is your kids."
Jon Lovitz: “[Charlie Sheen] is nothing like the character he plays on TMZ.”
Mike Tyson: “Hey Charlie Sheen! Now props to the f-cking guy man he's got big protruding balls he's gonna bust your stool man.” (Yeah, I don't know either).
Jeffrey Ross: “This lineup [of roasters] is so pathetic I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher…Charlie’s meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.”
Anthony Jeselnik: “Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of ‘Law and Order, SVU.’”
Amy Schumer: (To Mike Tyson) “You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face.”
(To Charlie Sheen) “You’re just like Bruce Willis—you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
William Shatner: “Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie! Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free? That’s Hollywood 101! You should’ve called.”
Patrice O’Neal: (To audience) “F—ck you. Y’all laughed at some f-cked up sh-t.”
Steve-O: “Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.”
Seth MacFarlane: Introduced William Shatner as “the guy who played Captain Kirk on Star Trek before it looked like gay guys working in a Mac store.”
(To Charlie Sheen) “Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood, but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Wood’s blood.”
Charlie Sheen: “It’s true, I’ve hung around with a lot of shady people over the years — losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.”