Charlie Sheen is hanging up his mercury surfboard. And PCP pipe.
Just in time for the airing of his roast on Comedy Central, Charlie Sheen says he's "absolutely" sober. Somehow, he managed to pull himself together for a whole twenty minutes and say that to Matt Lauer with a straight face.
Matt said down with Charlie on the Today show, and when he asked for how long the actor was sober, Sheen responded:
"I don't really keep track of the time. It's been awhile." Sounds promising. You don't keep track of the time, or you can't keep track and think it's 1974?
Sounds promising. Because that's what sober people always say. "I've been off the wagon since…explain the concept of time to me again?"
Sheen then discusses his crazy ass meltdown:
"I don't really know what happened. It was one of those things where the planets were aligned, perfectly or imperfectly. I said some stuff and then it caught such traction globally and instantly that I couldn't really put out the fire. From one moment to the next, I didn't know what was going to happen. It was pretty exciting."
So does he regret anything? Violently threatening his boss? Getting fired? Getting his kids taken away from him?
"Looking back on it, I don’t think I would trade it," Sheen says. "but there are portions of it I would have amended a little bit. I don't know, the tiger blood [thing], it was so silly and people took it so seriously and I figured, alright, I'll continue to give the people what they want, you know?"
So let's see. Between losing his job, his family, and his mind, the one thing he would've changed is "tiger blood." Got it.
Sheen insists that he's "a lot calmer" since he's been sober.
Between this, the Scarlett Johansson photos and A.Rod and Cameron breaking up, its like the theme of today's stories is, "which one of these is true?"
"I'm seeing my kids a lot more, mending fences with Denise and Brooke, just trying to move forward and prioritize what matters.
He adds, "I think that’s where the life is, you know, it's in those quiet moments. It's not the giant TV deal or the big party or the award or whatever, it's the memory of your child’s smile at the end of the day that sort of brings that one lonesome tear, you know?"
That one tear? You sure that's not from all the coke snorting?