17 Things You Don't Say to a Beyonce Fan

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17 Things You Don\'t Say to a Beyonce Fan
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Getty Images / Ian Gavan

You're just asking for your weave to be snatched out right at the root, aren't you?

 

1. Accuse her of being in the Illuminati.

Bey-lasphemous. Beyoncé doesn’t need no Illuminati, she's her own cult religion.

 

2. Suggest she didn’t really give birth to Blue Ivy.

It was a weird fold in her dress! It was just a poorly constructed dress! Her mom Tina probably designed it, so that explains it!

 

3. Accuse her of lip-syncing the National Anthem at the 2013 Presidential Inauguration.

Hi, take a seat and welcome to How To Absolutely Murder The National Anthem 101: Bey wasn’t quote-unquote lip-syncing, she was “singing under a backing vocal track,” which is standard protocol when performing during a live telecast, so do the democratic institution that is the United States of America a respectable favor and DO NOT get it twisted!!!

 

4. Dare to say she can’t really sing at all.

Did you miss that run above at 2:02 because you were too busy focusing on your own Beyoncé hate, hater?

 

5. Insinuate she’s taking forever to release new music because she’s out of ideas.

It’s called a SECRET visual album with a SURPRISE release date for a reason, so what do you have besides being out of BASIC LIES?

 

6. Being ambivalent about her new album, Beyoncé.

IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER WTFFF IS WRONG WITH YOU DO YOU NOT HAVE A PULSE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE “BEYONCE” GIVES YOU LIFE YAAAASSSSSSS ETERNAL LIFE.

 

7. Say she’s obsessed with herself.

She’s confident, not narcissistic.

 

8. Call her out for carefully constructing all her sentences in an interview.

She’s not shy. She’s not hiding. She’s definitely not stupid. She’s a Virgo with a very methodical way of putting things out there and won’t let anyone but herself dictate her own image, why’s that a bad thing again?

 

9. Touch her without her explicit permission.

That guy is lucky to be alive. Beyoncé literally GAVE HIM LIFE.

 

10. Not knowing her full name.

Helllloooooo, it’s Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. Just look under any Beyoncé fan’s arm, that’s where you’ll find it tattooed.

 

11. Bring up……………what’s her name? Oh yeah, Keyshia Cole.

Sorry, we couldn’t remember her name right away, so………………

 

12. Or blast Keri Hilson’s “Turnin’ Me On” remix.

Is that the one where she shaded Bey with lyrics like, “Your vision cloudy if you think that you da best / You can dance / She can sing but need to move it to the lef—(don’t do it to ‘em shawty!)”? What visual album was that single NOT on?

 

13. You don't drop whatever it is that you’re doing when “Crazy In Love” starts playing.

Were you curing cancer or something? No? Then why aren’t you dancing? This isn’t a drill.

 

14. Bring up the chart performance of “Run the World (Girls)” and consider her album 4 a flop.

It wasn’t a Billboard smash, yet you somehow know all the words. Funny, how’d that happen? Besides, Billboard to the left, because Beyoncé is her own chart!

 

15. Assert that she doesn’t write any of her songs.

*side eye for life*

 

16. Argue that she steals every single one of her ideas.

It’s called an obvious reference, inspiration, an homage, not stealing.

 

17. Bash her Golden Globe-winning* performance in Obsessed.

*For “Best Actress in an LOLOLOLOL Performance,” K, fine haters, you can have this one—and only this one…

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