Kutcher’s debut episode set a ratings record for the show. The episode last night brought in 27.7 million viewers. That’s 27.7 horny Midwestern soccer moms who wanted to know if Ashton Kutcher would indeed be naked during the episode. And he was naked, pretty much throughout the entire episode (more on that later).
Last night’s numbers set a record for the show. The amount of viewers last night was double the number who watched the first episode of season 8 in 2010.
I guess CBS is finally giving the people what they want, which is hot men with scruffy bears and shaggy hair, and not aging warlocks who invite prostitutes to live with them and take care of their kids.
Now back to the naked part (“Yeah, bring on the meat” said a woman named Bethany from Delaware who wished her husband looked more like Ashton Kutcher).
The episode opens at Charlie Harper’s funeral, where it’s revealed that he died when he was hit by a moving subway train in Paris.
His grieving fiancé, Rose, yes the same Rose that stalked him for most of the series, announces that he “accidentally” fell in front of a train the day after she caught him taking a shower with another woman.
“I just want you to know that Charlie didn’t suffer,” Rose explains, “His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”
Later that night, Ashton Kutcher’s character shows up soaking wet at the former mansion of Charlie Harper where his brother Alan Harper and the “half man” Jake Harper still live.
Apparently, Ashton’s character (Walden Schmidt) was just dumped by his wife, causing him so much depression he tried to commit suicide, but instead ends up at the Harper residence, which is on the oceanfront.
He asks to borrow their phone and Alan says he’ll put Walden’s wet clothes in the dryer for him. Now Walden is completely naked. (Am I describing gay porn right now? I’m totally describing gay porn right now). Anyways, Alan and Walden make some knock-knock jokes or whatever it is they think is funny on TAHM and decide to go to a bar and hunt for women.
The duo returns home for the night and Walden gets both ladies for himself, leaving Alan out in the cold.
The next morning Walden is still naked and because he an Alan bonded so well, he offers to buy the mansion. Did I mention that Ashton’s character is a millionaire? Well, he is.