Occasionally, Gwyneth Paltrow does something that we approve of.
Like when she grabbed some dude’s junk on "The Graham Norton Show" for lowest common denominator laughs (lol @ 14 minutes in) or when she was at a concert using those sexy dance moves your mom taught her.
Put those two videos together and you get the glorious period of time when she dated Brad Pitt, the Golden Age of Gwyn.
Thanks to these examples, where our fangs should be dripping in venom for Hollywood’s Most Hated Celeb, we can’t seem to spew up any genuine poison. All we can physically manage to do is let out a big, heavy, collective, here-she-goes-again sigh.
“Mmm, where’d you get these divine zucchinis?” Gwyn asks you one afternoon. “Pavilions had a sale.” “Oh,” she pauses. “They’re not tended from your own vegetable garden?” Inhale, and SIGHHHHHHHHHHH.
Here are some of Pretentious Paltrow’s most eye-rolling moments…
1. Let’s set the tone of this list with a single quote: “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” PUT THAT INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE OVER A STOCK PHOTO OF A CANYON, YOU PEASANTS.
2. The thing about Gwyneth is how flippantly out-of-touch she can be while remaining totally oblivious to it. Like when you’re planning your summer vacation to San Francisco and ask her for an affordable hotel recommendation, she suggests The Four Seasons.
3. Another quote for you to chew on: “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
4. Followed by this life-affirming nugget: “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.”
5. Which is why she named her daughter “Apple,” and not “Abominable Instant Noodle Ramen Bowl Stewing in DISGUSTING.”
6. Speaking of favorite foods, Gwyneth has none. She released It’s All Good this month, a spin on the genre: a recipe cookbook complete with recipes that hate cooking. The pages of “food” you can make begin with eliminating practically everything from your diet, then telling you to open your frown, eat, pray, and love it. It’s a bland fennel reduction pot au feu bloo blah blah blargh and hold on while we vomit ALL OF THE VOMIT.
7. Want to revamp your wardrobe for spring? Gwyneth has you covered. All together, her “spring essentials” on Goop will run you just a mere $458,003. What a bargain-ista! Bless her.
8. At a recent press conference for Iron Man 3, Gwyneth said she was “really surprised” that people liked it, nay, “loved it,” herself included. And she doesn’t like anything! (Please see #3, #4, and #6.)